CHURCH CHUCKLES

Holy Humor . . . .

 

Remember….Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car!

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.” When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note, “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the oast minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $#4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! 

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning!”

 

Tickling Your Funny Bone . . . .  

 

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4^th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

 

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

 

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said, “At your wedding!”

 

 

 

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS...

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope

along with the deceased person you want remembered.

 

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m.

Please use the back door.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:

“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!”

 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.

 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. – prayer and medication to follow.

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 

This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One day . . . .

. . . God was looking down at earth and saw all of the selfish behavior that was going on.

So God called one of the angels. “Go down to earth. Find out what is going on.”

The angel returned and reported to God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

At the Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Late for Bible Class

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

New in Church

After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.

After a short hesitation, he replied,"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

The Sermon

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

The Boasting Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Funeral Instructions

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

Church Announcement

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Instruction About Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The Sermon Preparation

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Bible Lesson

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter." 

And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!" 

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The Creation of Wives

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

After the Preaching on the Devil

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

Money for the Pastor

A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?"